Death impacts us all differently. I would never compare my grief to someone else’s and we all have our own way of coping. Writing about it helps me, I rarely publish what I write, don’t feel obliged to read this post – I needed to do this for me. Most days I try to remember all the happy times but the sad creeps in there too. I know I’m still grieving and I have a long way to go and I accept that.
I’m feeling home sick, I’m missing everything and everyone. I really miss my dad and my brother-in-law. I miss them everyday but even more so on Sundays and when birthdays roll around. Greg’s (my bil) birthday would have been on September 15.
I think about him often, he had a tremendous impact on my life . He loved music. So as a fitting tribute on his birthday I went to see a Celtic band and most of the band members were from Newfoundland. I had a feeling all night that I wasn’t really alone – ok of course I wasn’t alone there were lots of other people there but I had been thinking about Greg all day and a little voice inside my head kept saying, he’s enjoying this, he knows all the songs, could sing every word. He’s ok, you’re ok, enjoy the night, enjoy the music. One of the songs that night was about the Northern lights and wouldn’t you know it I saw the Northern Lights on the way home. This was only my second time in 4 years that I could plainly see them, guiding me.
Sundays are especially tough days for me, as I don’t think I ever missed a Sunday that my dad didn’t call or vice versa. I can’t believe he has been gone for 9 months already. Some days I want to scream it’s NOT alright – I’m NOT alright!! My heart aches a type of pain I can’t put into words but thank goodness it passes.
Whenever I’m really sad and can’t find a way out of it, I usually head to the ocean (no matter what the weather) and sit on the beach. The roar of the water, the smell of the air, it somehow calms me down and brings me peace.
I have no ocean to run to, no lake or river near by (you see I’m landlocked here in the West)- but somehow just the thought of it and all the memories it brings of spending countless hours walking the beach with my dad looking for beach glass, neither of us ever looking up until the other would shout out what color they found, makes it a little better.
I do have pictures and memories, lots of pictures and memories and a little boy named after his great-grandfather, Henry. Many people tell me all the time how much he looks like my father and I find I catch my breath from time to time when he acts a certain way or has a certain look on his face and then I know exactly what they mean.
I know, you found God’s grace
In a far, far , far, better place
I know your watching
My tear drops falling
It’s not you going
It’s me not knowing
Who I’m gonna call on Sunday
Who I’m gonna pour my heart out too
Who I’m gonna call on Sunday
Now that heaven has called on you
When I think of them both – I feel at home….